Samus On Wildlife
by tnman
Summary: Samus years after her career as a Bounty Hunter is now happily presenting a wildlife show on a newly discovered planet. It's all going okay until the wildlife starts behaving very strangely... CHAPTER 3 UPLOADED (FINALLY)!
1. Fleeing Flame Fly

"Okay then Samus, we're ready when you are."  
  
'Let's go. Let's go on a wild adventure, where I can finally show you all what it's like.' Samus thought. 'Every little being – all the things that try to get me down...I will show the world what I have to face every mission. All the horrors, all the blood, all that killing...'  
  
"HELLO EVERYONE! And welcome to Samus On Wildlife!"  
  
Samus stared down a camera lens on a rainy, remote planet only recently discovered. The scientists that discovered the planet decided to call it Cemetery: they thought it could be somehow funny and ironic seeing as the planet was one of the most wildlife-rich planets in the present galaxy. Needless to say, people wanted to have the chance to see this new planet, and so it has become one of the most popular tourist attractions in history. With pubs, clubs, hotels, restaurants and of course the fantastic wildlife, people flood to the planet daily.  
  
"Today, we are on the brilliantly known planet; Cemetery! As you can see, it's tipping it down here today, but no matter! We will still find that wildlife just for you viewers at home."  
  
The film crew took steps towards some nearby bushes. They pushed them aside to reveal a lush forest, complete untouched by anything other than nature itself. Trees, plants and various stones were everywhere; it was if nothing had ever been moved from its original spot. A strange fly flew past the camera, the crew immediately latched onto their subject and chased after it.  
  
"Ohmygod! It would appear that we have just seen the very rare Flame Fly!"  
  
Samus' blonde hair gushed through the air as she ran after her subject. She easily kept up thanks to her previous mission experiences, and this time, it was not a suit she was wearing but instead just some plain trousers and a top with a Metroid printed on it. The top's inscription read "I survived Samus Aran", there was also a small arrow in between the words "I" and "survived". The arrow indicated that the word "didn't" should be in between.  
  
"As you can see at home...the fly has a hard red armour – come on crew, keep up – which indicates that it is in fact in its mating season. You see, usually, the fly is a pale blue colour, but changes during this time".  
  
The camera crew decided to pick up the pace, or risk becoming lost with no ex-bounty hunter to protect them in a forest with plenty of unknown wildlife. Samus continued the chase, while spilling information to viewers elsewhere.  
  
"If we continue to follow this fly we may just be able to find a whole nest full of them. All mating. On second thoughts, maybe we shouldn't film that scene. OH! Hang on, up ahead, would that be their nest? It could be-"  
  
SMACK. The fly collided into a branch, and collapsed onto the floor. Samus ran up to it, barely even panting from the chase she had just gone through, as did the camera crew run up to Samus, only panting heavily, clearly tired out from the marathon they had just gone through.  
  
"Well that was somewhat unexpected," she explained to the camera, "I guess you can never be to sure when you're going to run into a branch..."  
  
Samus sighed quietly, she was stalling, and this was not meant to happen on a nature show. 'How many times had you seen the presenter run wildly after the subject only to chase it into a tree branch knocking it out cold?!' she thought.  
  
"Okay guys...let's rap up and head to a pub. We'll try this again tomorrow, burn that film for all I care – that was a complete failure."  
  
"You mean we ran after you all that time for nothing?" One of the crew complained.  
  
"Pretty much. So which way is the way out of this damn forest?"  
  
The second camera crewmember sighed too, in between breaths for air. "It's this way. Come on, let's go then..."  
  
They turned the camera off, put the equipment down at their sides and walked off. After walking quite a way, the Flame Fly they had been chasing fluttered it's wings, made a small noise as if to laugh at its pursuers, and flew off – under the branch. 


	2. Bar Lore

After retiring from the forest and dumping their stuff at their hotel residence, Samus and her two camera crewmembers walked down Cemetery's main high street. This was far from a normal trip, no Chozo Lore or Pirate Logs, simply neon signs and the hustle and bustle of a busy town around here. "XXX Rated X's – Gelatinous Blobs Do What YOU Want", "Eat at McRidley's", "Kraid's Diner", "Adam's Internet Café".  
  
There was everything around here. The party decided not to stop off at any place to glitzy, so they ended up in a quaint pub named "Millsy's Manhole". Behind the bar was a pleasant Earthling who came from the Australian part of the planet – his name was Andrew Mills. He was wearing just a normal green shirt and a pair of ordinary jeans...he seemed like your average guy if it weren't for the hat he was wearing, it was the same colour green as his shirt, only it had bits of string attached and from those strings dangled corks. Quite why he was wearing this was beyond Samus.  
  
"G'day love, what'll it be?" The odd-hat-wearing barman asked.  
  
"I'll have a shot of whiskey..." Samus sighed, "give them to me straight up".  
  
"Them? Ah, fair enough".  
  
Andrew whipped out two glasses and put one in front of Samus and one in front of himself. He grabbed a full whiskey bottle as if from nowhere, and poured a shot into each glass. He put the whiskey bottle down and drank a shot from one glass himself, and then lowered the glass slowly. He put it down on the table, and stared at his customer.  
  
"I'm not up for a contest, Andrew. It is Andrew isn't it?"  
  
"According to me badge it is, but I prefer Andy thanks all the same."  
  
Samus took her shot. Andy quickly poured two more shots, and again took his quickly, but lowering the glass slowly.  
  
"Okay, Andy. But like I said, I'm not up for a contest...I'd drink you under the table anyway. I-"  
  
Samus was interrupted by her cameraman co-worker, who was sitting impatiently with his partner at a table nearby.  
  
"OY! Aran! You going to get us some drinks or just sit there chatting up the barman?!"  
  
Andy quickly lobbed two beer bottles in the direction of the camera crew; again, the bottles were flung so fast it was if they appeared out of nowhere – not so fast, however, that the crewmembers couldn't grab the bottles out of the air and happily guzzle them.  
  
"You were saying?" Andy continued.  
  
"I haven't had the easiest of days for starting something new, and so I don't really want to be returning to fighting and contesting things."  
  
"Return to fighting things...?" As he said this, Andy picked up a mug and started to clean it with a rag.  
  
"Yes...I used to be a bounty hunter." Samus pointed at her shirt. "I used to hunt these little buggers." She then raised her hand from her shirt to her glass, and took her shot. In keeping now, Andy poured more shots and took his. "I hunted them all...took all the buggers down, one by one, some of the biggest and ugliest, and some just little hatchlings..."  
  
"Wait, you mean to tell me you're Samus Aran? The Metroid Bounty Hunter?" Andy finished wiping his mug.  
  
Samus took her shot. Andy stared at Samus somewhat surprised, and without even flicking his eyes, poured again two more shots and took his.  
  
"That would be me. After taking down the final Metroids there was nothing for me to really hunt anymore. I used to be hunted also, by a creature named Ridley..."  
  
Andy looked genuinely awestruck now. "You mean to tell me that an owner of a burger joint used to fly around space trying to kill you?!"  
  
That didn't really add up for the ex-bounty hunter. She gave Andy a confused look and took her shot. Pick up bottle, pour into glass one, pour into glass two, put down bottle, and take shot. Samus took her shot immediately this time as well. Again, he poured.  
  
"I haven't a clue what you're talking about there Andryu...Andpoo...er, Andy."  
  
The conversation stopped there, both contestants looked heavily confused with one another. The drinking however, did not stop. The drinking extended to no less than ten more glasses, before Samus finally got up and walked past her happily chatting crewmembers.  
  
"I'll shee you later on in the afternoon...breakfast...morning, guys. Yes. Breakfast. Shee you tomorrow breakfast at morning."  
  
"Um, are you sure you don't want us to come along now and help you back to the hotel?" The second crewmember asked.  
  
"NO! I shall be finely okay. I used to be an bounty hunter for Chozo's sake." Samus pointed her fingers into the position of a gun, and aimed her 'weapon' at the door of the bar. "BLAM!" She pretended to fire at the door. "Into the unknoooooooown! Away fido, we must ride!" Samus ran out the door. The barman looked on, totally unfazed by his drink, and put the quarter- full bottle of whisky back behind the bar. 


	3. Squee?

It was blinding. Flashes everywhere, the hustle and bustle, so claustrophobic, 'Get me out' she thought.  
  
"GET ME OUT!" Samus screamed, before falling down, down the stairs of the XXX Rated X's Nude Club. It was darker in here, Samus looked up feeling no pain from her fall, all she saw were these...dancing...green and yellow...things. They were so wiggly; they wrapped themselves around a silver pole and almost engulfed it. My god it was a hypnotising sight. It was like living hair gel. Samus got up and just needed to touch one, but as soon as she got up two rather large blue blobs, both of which appeared to be wearing a suit, greeted her. 'What the hell is going on here?' she thought, it was all so very confusing. The blob on the left engulfed one of her arms, and the blob on the right did the same with her other arm. They just kind of floated out of the joint and belched her out onto the pavement.  
  
Samus got up. 'If I'm going to fall down into some place again' she pondered, 'I best make sure there are no blobby things'. She didn't quite know if what she just thought made sense. It didn't matter anyway; she was already half way down the street and falling through a pair of doors.  
  
This time she looked up and found herself in a cold place, full of people eating at tables and also full of people mopping the floor. Samus once again managed to rise to her feet. In front of her was a counter, grey coloured, quite shiny, with three cashiers evenly spread between the counter's space. Behind the middle counter was what could only be described as a complete and utter oddity. There stood a dragon looking rather glum, wearing a greasy shirt and trousers, and a nametag which read "Ridley Jr". Behind the Oddity was a menu, it read:  
  
** McRidley's **  
  
- Burger, 79 credits.  
  
- Burger containing yellow material, 99 credits.  
  
- Cheeseburger, 99 credits.  
  
- Big Ridley, 120 credits.  
  
- Tallon Fries, 60 credits.  
  
- Liquid, 60 credits.  
  
'What's the difference between option two and three?' Samus wondered. She continued to stare at the menu for a moment, slowly deciphering the last few words through her wobbly vision, but Ridley Jr decided to look up and noticed the customer. Samus noticed Ridley Jr noticing her – she made a mental note of this noticing...and then she got confused. Ridley Jr opened its mouth; Samus braced herself for whatever harsh, brutal screeches or sounds this creature would come out with.  
  
"Can I be of assistance, madam?" asked Ridley Jr in a perfectly polite, feminine voice.  
  
"Er yeah" came an oddly gruff reply from our ex-bounty hunter. Someone's been switching roles in the script of life. "Whassa difference between two option and three?"  
  
"The difference is the yellow material, while looking perfectly like cheese, is in fact Sheegoth excretion, carefully taken from Phendrana Drifts. The cheeseburger, while looking perfectly like Sheegoth excretion, carefully taken from Phendrana Drifts, is in fact cheese. We call it 'yellow material' as it just sounds nicer that way."  
  
Every single word after "yellow" simply passed through Samus' mind like Sheegoth excretion, carefully taken from Phendrana Drifts would through your, well, let's not get onto that.  
  
One of the many workers mopping the floor started to mop around Samus, and then started to mop her feet.  
  
"Incredibly sorry, Miss Customer, but we've got to keep this place clean you know!"  
  
A customer quietly eating in the corner overheard this and decided to throw a wrapper on the floor. Every single worker mopping the floor turned and looked – one picked up the wrapper and calmly threw it into the bin, while all the others quietly crowded around the customer embalming him in a kind of mop-stick-jail. Samus didn't have a clue what was going on.  
  
"Okay, thanksh Mrs Dinosaur" Samus finally replied. She decided to fall backwards through the doors she first fell through, and on her way down she saw through the window that the customer who had thrown the wrapper onto the floor was being furiously washed by the workers and their mops.  
  
"Thank you, please come again and sample our Tallon Fries" shouted Ridley Jr just as the doors closed.  
  
Samus groaned. Nothing seemed right, everything was SO confusing. Her head was pounding, her brain was learning how to play the bongo drums, she just needed to let go. Her head, it was as if everything was being drained away, as if things were being sucked out – it hurt so much. Just need to let go. Just, let...go.  
  
"Squeeeeeeeeeee!"  
  
A faint green blob zipped past Samus' vision. Darkness. 


End file.
